Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
It’s been a, er, satan of per week for satanists.
Russia’s Supreme Courtroom this week outlawed the Worldwide Motion of Satanists, saying it was primarily based on “hatred and hostility” (thank goodness Russia itself doesn’t present any hatred and hostility to, for instance, its neighbor to the southwest).
Regardless of being banned, the Worldwide Motion of Satanists doesn’t really exist, though if it did, its handle can be 666 Satan’s Alley, Hell, Norway (sure, there’s a village known as Hell in Norway). What the Russian judges are banning is the thought of satan worship, which is one thing the Russian Orthodox Church and conservative lawmakers have known as for years to be outlawed. In April, Russia’s decrease home of parliament, the Duma, hosted a roundtable on combating Satanism and different beliefs thought-about a menace to the nation — though calling it a roundtable provides off sturdy séance vibes, which can not have been the intention.
The information comes because the satan himself made a high-profile, if not essentially flattering TV look. The primary episode of the brand new collection of “South Park” confirmed Devil in mattress with, and turning down the sexual advances of, Donald Trump, who was additionally depicted with a penis so comically tiny that the satan says, “I can’t even see something, it’s so small.”
Additionally talked about within the episode are the “Epstein record,” U.S. tariffs on Canada, and the assaults on Iran, which the cartoon Trump will get combined up with Iraq.
Whereas Devil seems pretty usually on “South Park,” the Trump-baiting will probably have brought on a number of anxious moments on the HQ of American community Paramount, which simply paid creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker $1.5 billion for the worldwide streaming rights to their present for the subsequent 5 years. That’s some huge cash handy out for a corporation that simply axed “The Late Present With Stephen Colbert” and stated that was “purely a monetary choice” and nothing to do with Colbert’s common Trump-baiting.
“South Park” has, alas, by no means made enjoyable of the European Union though there’s a joke within the fifth episode of the primary season of “The Muppet Present” in 1976 in regards to the European Frequent Market. No, actually.
In one other blow to the satan, Ozzy Osbourne died this week aged 76. Osbourne all the time denied being a Satanist however he did invite questions on his beliefs with the 1980 track “Mr. Crowley,” about English occultist Aleister Crowley, and recorded an album known as “Communicate With The Satan.”
Whereas Osbourne was eager to distance himself from Devil, he did as soon as seem in a clip endorsing Andy Road, the Conservative candidate to be mayor of the West Midlands, Osbourne’s residence area in England. Road was as soon as managing director of upmarket division retailer chain John Lewis, which sadly has by no means used the Osbourne track “Countdown’s Begun” to announce the beginning of their summer time gross sales.
Osbourne all the time refused to substantiate or deny if the Black Sabbath songs “Sleeping Village” and “Into The Void” have been in regards to the European Parliament.
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Final week, we gave you this picture:
Thanks for all of the entries. Right here’s the perfect one from our mailbag — there’s no prize besides the present of laughter, which I feel we are able to all agree is much preferable to money or booze.
“Rejoining isn’t a dream. It’s my plan.”
by Val Flynn