Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
Who’s the better hazard to society — a drunken raccoon, the common consumer of an e-scooter in Brussels, or individuals who must stroll in entrance of the EU’s diplomatic service?
That was a trick query. It’s all the above!
This week, a raccoon (let’s name him Rocky to honor our elders and betters) within the city of Ashland, Virginia fell via the ceiling of a liquor retailer, smashed some bottles, acquired very drunk and handed out on the lavatory flooring. We’ve all been there!
We didn’t use to have raccoons in Europe — like baseball caps, Flaming Scorching Cheetos and weapons, they’ve been imported from America. But even raccoons, drunk or in any other case, have but to make common appearances within the EU Quarter of Brussels.
For these readers who’re unfamiliar with this small space, which is residence to the European Union’s most important establishments, think about a sodden, post-apocalyptic wasteland the place each different constructing is a building web site that will by no means be completed. A wasteland that’s populated not by zombies with ripped garments making ungodly growling sounds, however by folks in mid-range fits making ungodly growling sounds (or French, because it’s typically recognized).
So as to add to the stress, it is advisable to be looking out for folks driving e-scooters with reckless abandon (enjoyable, er, reality: the collective noun for e-scooters is an annoyance).
Nonetheless, if you wish to hop on an e-scooter within the middle of Brussels, you’ll quickly must scan your ID and perhaps even take a selfie so the 2 pictures may be in contrast. That is not less than partly as a result of the enterprising drug sellers of Brussels are utilizing the scooters to get round, and positively gained’t suppose to purchase their very own scooter, or stroll, drive or take the bus and so forth.
Should you survive the eurocrats and the e-scooters, the following problem within the EU Quarter is to traverse the Schuman roundabout, which was as soon as a serious building challenge however is now extra like a everlasting museum commemorating the Battle of the Somme.
Proper subsequent to the enormous gap the place a roundabout must be is the HQ of the European Exterior Motion Service (don’t be fooled by the A phrase), which was this week raided as a part of a fraud probe launched by the European Public Prosecutor’s Workplace in what sociologists are calling EU-on-EU violence.
Fortunately the raid befell within the morning, as Belgium has guidelines on the timing of such incursions. A decade in the past, Belgian secret companies positioned Europe’s most needed man — Salah Abdeslam — in a Brussels flat two days after the Paris terror assaults, however weren’t allowed to raid the premises between 9 p.m. and 5 a.m.
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Final week, we gave you this picture:
Thanks for all of the entries. Right here’s the most effective one from our mailbag — there’s no prize besides the reward of laughter, which I believe we will all agree is much preferable to money or booze.
“Have you ever even stated thanks as soon as?”
by Thomas Wilhelm